It was the first week of December. I was taking a shower and noticed a bump on the left side of my waist. Ugh really? Now this? Trying not to be the hypochondriac that I know I can be, I felt the right side of my waist to try to match this nugget to no avail. After all symmetry usually means it isn’t something bad right? Didn’t tell anyone about it, and instead of getting it checked by a doctor my first reaction was “Not now”.
“Everything not now.”
One of my special skills is compartmentalizing fear. I can envision putting something I’m afraid of in a box to save it for later until later when I’m ready to deal with it. At the time, I wanted life to be uncomplicated after the previous month of having just broken up with the boyfriend, having a falling out with a close friend, and having a huge project at work that I felt was not progressing as well as I’d liked. Taking care of my health compared to other things when I get busy or emotional often results in “not now”.
Finally at the end of Feb after a rejuvenating trip to Iceland and project back on track, I decided it was time to open the box. Set up an appointment, but they didn’t have anything sooner than Pi Day, and honestly I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t push it. Stuffed the issue back into the box until today. I didn’t feel particularly nervous until right as the doctor was moving her finger tips over the lump. Her serious look faded into a smile as she announced it was benign. “Probably a fat lump or lymph”. I asked her how it would feel if it were cancerous, and she mentioned it wouldn’t feel as bubble like or rubbery, it would be more knotted and feel misshapen like a ball of hair. Noted and stored in long term memory.
This afternoon I went on a walk with my boss (where the top photo is from), and he commented that I don’t seem to stress that much at work, to which I responded, “Work just isn’t very scary in the face of other things.”
Work is logical and I have endless data points for. There are patterns of how to tackle work. The unknown things, where there is no right answer, the things we have no control over and just happen to us, those are the things that I worry about.
Phew. I feel incredibly lucky. Maybe I’ll celebrate with some pie.